I am a hypocrite.
I’ve never really understood how important it is to love yourself.
I’ve been reading and working through a book called, “Conscious Communications” by Mary Shores and one of the exercises in the book was to list 100 things that I loved about myself. These things could be big or small, minor or major, sensible or completely ridiculous. My first thought was, “Sweet. I love lists.” So, I sat down at my desk, grabbed my pen and froze. There’s a large mirror hanging on the wall behind my desk and I stopped and stared into it for about two minutes, and not a single thing came to mind. At first, this was mind-blowing. I thought, “What the hell? Why am I drawing a blank?” Then I became frustrated. Then I was bawling. I cried for probably 20 minutes because out of 100 things that I love about myself, I could not come up with one.
This immediately led me into the downward spiral of “no wonder I’m still single and don’t have many friends.” The snowball effect that this had was more of an avalanche. What started as a simple exercise was now the reason I was going to lay in bed crying myself to sleep that night. This led me to thinking about other people and even comparing myself. I kept thinking, “I love them, and they’ve made tons of mistakes,” and “people always tell me I’m a beautiful person so why don’t I see me the way they do?”
Then it clicked. I love people when I meet them. I really do. I don’t judge anyone based on their pasts and I don’t take in other peoples’ opinions of them until I can form my own. Maybe they’ve screwed up in the past but is that the person that they are NOW?
And if I’m willing to ignore THEIR pasts, these strangers that I’m just now meeting, why can I not ignore MY past? I’ve spent so long being angry at myself for things in and out of my control. I’ve blamed myself for things that happened in my childhood and adolescent years and I’ve held such a strong grudge against myself without realizing it. Am I really THAT hypocritical that I’ll stand here and say that I don’t judge people when I am seriously hating myself for things that I’ve chosen to look past in others?
The correct answer is, “YES.” I am that hypocritical.
This was a moment for me. I looked in the mirror, put an immediate stop to the ugly crying that was unfortunately taking place, and said, “Nuh-uh. You’re better than this.” Then I started writing. I finished half of the list then, and returned to finish the rest when my hand quit cramping.
I noticed the next morning that people were different towards me. Several people told me how good I was looking. I got flirted with and even asked on a date. People suddenly wanted to be around me. I hadn’t told anybody about my list/meltdown, so what had changed?
The thoughts you think and the words you say about yourself are everything. If you’re constantly thinking badly about yourself, other people feel that. If you’re always calling yourself an idiot, other people hear that. If you love yourself, even the tiniest, most ridiculous things about yourself, other people will love you. If you are someone who always loves everyone else but still feels terrible about yourself, stop being a hypocrite.
If you can forgivethem, you can forgiveyou.
If you can lovethem, you can loveyou.